Gentleman of the DCC, it is with a heavy heart and a slight smirk that I address you tonight. After a thorough and lengthy investigation undertaken by myself whilst watching “Cool Runnings” (Something it appears Mr Syme and Mr Douglas haven’t been doing!) I now have the pleasure of issuing the indisputably correct current 2013 Batting Stats.

For some it may come as a relief to plummet down the standings knowing now that as we may have suspected all along, nothing is expected from you. For others a meteoric rise up 0.1 may mean that have bragging rights over a fellow team mate or mates for a few weeks longer. Either way the figures are now in the public realm and the DCC Chairman and Committee will be watching closely until the end of the season to see if indeed any of you (like myself) will be shallow enough to play for your stats, ensuring a middle table position.

Gentlemen it has also been decided that to qualify for the Batting Stats you must have logged a minimum of three innings, this means that if you are sitting on 1 or 2 innings then you are listed as DNQ. There are only three matches left so keep going hard gents as the clock is ticking.

Gentlemen I wait with anticipation to your reaction this week against the might of Gargunnock.